My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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