I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
