You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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