My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
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They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
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He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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