Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
