All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Randomize