he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
