Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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