I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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