Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
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