I am midnight drunk by noon
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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