i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
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