she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
