First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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