Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
If I die, sorry about rent.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
