I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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