I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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