i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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