oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
