you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
