God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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