my being single is dangerous.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You pole danced in your parka.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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