I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
