Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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