I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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