Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
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