how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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