There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
