The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
