Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
