proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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