Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
