Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
