Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
