i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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