just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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