you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
