Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
Randomize
