i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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