I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
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