She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
