Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
