I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
