I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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