So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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