just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
