So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Randomize
