So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
