I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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