dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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