I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize
