I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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