i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
