Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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