You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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