I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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